I’m tired. I have a constant self-imposed pressure to do better, try harder and be everything to everyone. Continue reading “A bunch of words and sentences that may have nothing to do with each other.”
I’m your doll not your doormat.
You love me. You hug me. You take me everywhere with you. You dress me in the prettiest little outfits. Ones that even match your own sometimes. You brush my hair and put it in pretty little ribbons. You hold me tight in bed at night. I know you love me because you treat me like you do. I know that you need me for those times you are scared
You brush my hair so hard it hurts. You twist my arms and legs in positions that hurt. You throw me on the floor and step on me. When you get sick of me you put me on a shelf. I collect dust. My clothes become ragged. Even worse you undress me, leaving me naked and exposed. I wonder why you don’t love me anymore. All I’ve done is be here for you. Yet you call me stupid in front of your friends. Then sometimes you hold me again at night and I feel like you still love me. I’m just so confused and you’re making me angry and sad.
I’d rather be your doormat, not your doll. At least then I would know exactly what to expect every time I see you-the shit on your shoes. Not love that’s only convenient for you. Please just throw me away and leave me alone. I don’t like you anymore.
Photo credit: Mrwallpaper.com.
Goodbye. Wherever you went.
I know this is going to sound insane but here goes. I found out today that my divorce attorney passed away from cancer on 8/27/16. I know many of you are thinking, Ok…..? Continue reading “Goodbye. Wherever you went.”
Take My Hand-Not a winner. Whomp whomp..
So I found out today that my contest entry did not make it to the semi-finalist round. Which is ok. Of course I’d be super thrilled if I did make it but I also know there will be other opportunities.
That said, for those that didn’t read it, here’s the poem that was submitted and published on Addiction Unscripted.com
Take My Hand-Jessica Donovan
It’s all so painful and shitty. Life I mean.
Why not numb it?
Why would anyone want to remember who they are or where they came from?
There’s always an experience that’s just too hard to handle.
Just kill it all.
Drop a bomb on life.
Leave your mind behind.
Live in the dark.
You’ll like it better there.
It’s safe, a warm and cozy spot where you can spend your days in comfort.
You won’t have to face that you were sexually abused as a child.
Leaving you emotionally unavailable.
You won’t have to recognize the burning anger that lays within you from being beaten.
Never will you have to fully commit to the love you don’t feel you deserve.
You can spend your days killing the pain.
Pushing everyone away.
It’s so much easier to keep life at bay.
Look at what you’re doing though.
Can you see it?
You have become exactly what you’re running from.
The abuser, beater and pain dealer.
Everyone that loves you wants to live in the dark now too.
Continuing the cycle of abuse.
Stomping on virgin feelings while you kill your own
Teaching bad coping skills.
Go right ahead, numb your mind though.
Just know you’re the only one who’s benefitting.
Or are you?
Do you even know anymore?
You can’t tell, can you?
Your moral compass is gone, isn’t it?
It’s ok, you’ve lost you.
Assuming you were once found that is.
You weren’t found by me, I don’t really know you.
Maybe someone knows you better than you or I do?
I’m sorry, I don’t know what to tell you.
Maybe one day, you’d like to wake up and face yourself.
Perhaps you could choose a different path.
I’m sure you would love to meet you.
I think I’d like to meet you too.
It’s going to be hard.
You’re going to have to stop being afraid of the monsters under your bed.
You’re going to have to clear your head.
Can you do that?
I can help you if you want but I can’t be who you’ve become.
Don’t trick me and lure me down your path.
Once you go this way, I hope you don’t turn back.
Choose this way before the option gets taken away.
Living life in the fray will not lead to longer days.
I know you don’t know me yet.
How could you know me when you don’t know you?
Can you trust that I love you though?
While you never deserved that abuse or those beatings.
It’s only what happened to you.
It’s not who you are.
The painful shitty life never let you see beyond what needed fixing.
Will you choose to love you?
Come live in the light with me.
I have so much to show you.
You’ll like living in your mind.
Feeling the sunlight.
It’s so warm and cozy.
You can spend your days in comfort.
Once you do the work that is.
Let me be honest.
The work will never stop.
Your triggers will always be there.
Actually you may feel worse at first.
You’ve never dealt with real life before.
All you know how to do is be numb.
That’s ok, I understand.
You didn’t know how to let yourself feel.
Now it’s time to heal.
What’s going on?
I haven’t written too much on here because I’ve been busy with other areas related to writing.
Here’s what I’ve Continue reading “What’s going on?”
I’m Tired. Get it? Tire-d.
Can you spot the corny joke? I can! haha.
How does one go from feeling like they have their shit completely together to feeling like the wheels are falling off? I’ll tell you how, a lack of sleep. For the past week or so, I have been feeling amazing. Continue reading “I’m Tired. Get it? Tire-d.”
When dad can’t save himself anymore
Give me bear hugs. Teach me how to ride my bike. Burp a song into a paper towel roll to make me laugh. Put bunny ears behind my head in pictures. Carry me when I break my ankle. Continue reading “When dad can’t save himself anymore”
Mother’s Day post: I hate doing this without you!
Even though I’m a mother and truly appreciate all the kind gestures from my children and husband, I secretly (not secretly anymore) think Mother’s Day kind of sucks. Since losing my own mother, it has never been the same. Continue reading “Mother’s Day post: I hate doing this without you!”
Amicable divorce? I tried that once!
As we all know divorce is rough. Even if you’ve never been divorced surely you aren’t blind to the terrible possibilities. Mine was no exception. Add kids to the mix and it becomes an even more heartbreaking situation. Sprinkle in a new girlfriend for your soon-to-be ex husband and you’ve got disaster. Well at least I did. Continue reading “Amicable divorce? I tried that once!”