Mother’s Day post: I hate doing this without you!

 


Even though I’m a mother and truly appreciate all the kind gestures from my children and husband I secretly (not secretly anymore) think Mother’s Day kind of sucks. Since losing my own mother, it has never been the same.  Throughout my young life my heart has ached for her presence. Mother’s Day is like the microscope in the sun, trying to torch my ass while I scurry around avoiding the burn. I tend to be more emotional and sensitive that day. I do my best to focus on the love I have for my own children to distract myself from the pain. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do. I think it’s because I long for the close mother-daughter relationship that develops when a daughter gets older and starts to understand her mother’s perspective.  I also needed her here to teach me how to be a new mom. To tell me about my own baby stories and to hold my hand through the terrible birth experiences I had. I want her here because her grandchildren are growing right before my eyes and I need an extra set to see them through. Father’s Day doesn’t affect me the same  way. Anywho…

I wish for all my friends and moms I know to be loved and appreciated by all people they have cared for. I don’t mean just with gifts and cards but with hugs, respect and good conversation. I hope that your families take note of the the little things. Like the way you snort when you laugh. I hope there are fond memories of you from childhoods. Like being caught in the rain and remembering what it feels like to have your mom wrap you in her sweater with her to stay warm. I hope your babies know how hard you try every single day of your life to have patience and love in your heart. Even when you want to rip your hair out. Most of all I hope your kids will one day know you were your own woman before you became a mother. Faults and all. That understanding will lead to true respect for the whole woman you are, not just the mother you became.

Thank you to the women who have made room in their hearts and embraced me as their own child while I have continued to grow into a woman. I love you for being there when I’ve need you. (KML, MP, AV, LS, AKM) Your warmth is the closest I’ve had to a mother’s arms for my entire adult life. You will always hold a very special place in my heart.

In closing I will leave you with a letter I wrote to my dearest Julianne when she was only 23 months old. I hope she and now her sister will know that I have far more to offer them in life than dinner-time feedings, homework checks and clean laundry. Yes, those things matter but in the end motherhood is so much more than the day to day.

Written August 22, 2010

There are things in life that don’t matter. Things society considers right and wrong. Crazy and not crazy. Like walking in the rain without an umbrella on purpose, while talking to yourself. Really, who gives a crap about being, doing, and saying things that everyone else does. Being like everyone else is boring. Be you! Do what makes you happy! Even if it’s viewed as insane. Go about living your life with class and common sense. Be kind and considerate. Try not to hurt others. Realize that in life you will meet resistance and adversity. Take it, learn from it and move on. Don’t let it define you. The ones that matter in your life will understand you and will love you no matter what you do. If you believe in something or someone don’t give up. Most importantly on yourself! If something you believed in lets you down and shakes you to your core, move on knowing you did what you felt was best and stayed true to yourself. Be kind, understanding, open-minded, loving and patient with others. But especially with yourself! These qualities can open up a world of opportunity and self fulfillment. Those gifts aren’t always genuine when coming from others. So guard your heart just a little bit. If you get hurt, I will be there to help patch the wound. If you ever find that life is knocking you down so much and the fight is too much to bear, come to me. I will be your ear, hug, understanding and reassurance. I will always help you find you again if you ever lose your way. I’m your momma and I will always be able to “lead you back home.”

I love you Julianne. For the 2 year old you are now and for the young woman you will become. I will forever be thankful for what you have brought to my life. You are special and like no other on this planet. Don’t let anyone else try to make you believe otherwise.

I love you!

Love, Mommy

(This goes for Angelique now too!)

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

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14 thoughts on “Mother’s Day post: I hate doing this without you!

  1. Heart breaking and beautiful. It reminds me of my mom. We lost her (my grandmother) July 13th, 2007. My mother has never been the same sense. She loves her children and is happy to have us on Mothers Day but I can always see the sadness in her eyes. That’s a bond that can never be broken and I’m sorry you have to feel this pain. If I’ve seen anything from my own mother it’s that it is completely okay to be both sad and happy on that day. No one ever said you had to choose one or the other! ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I enjoyed this post as well as several others. I am commenting here because my mom is gone as well and I could really relate, but I wanted to tell you that all of your writing draws the reader in. I look forward to seeing whatever posts come next!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I really wanted to say “I understand how you feel” but no, I think I know but I know nothing can really make me feel the way you’re feeling if I am not in the same position. My heart breaks for your heartbreak, then again I am happy that you are a very nice and wonderful mommy to your children. Be the mom like the mom you’ve always wanted (though I know you’re being a wonderful one!)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Simply beautiful, stirring, and honest. Love this as much as I’ve come to love the author. My family has grown by four… and I feel blessed to be a part of your circle!

    Liked by 1 person

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