To take a different tone other than the darkness of trauma writings…Today’s theme is forgiveness. This is the other side of having No Mercy which is what my last post was titled. While it may seem like writing about my traumas means I do not have forgiveness the opposite is true. My own self love and compassion is exactly what allows me to share openly and see all of the sides of the those that have hurt me. I know I have hurt others as well. Some hurts I caused were needless. Some were felt because the person on the other end wasn’t healed enough to understand me. Both are true and acceptable.
How do we forgive the people that have hurt us? How do we forgive ourselves?
It’s hard because sometimes we don’t even know where to start because we actually can’t feel what hurts and therefore pinpoint the issues within us.
We must work hard “see” ourselves. Sometimes we have to see ourselves through others. Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to be seen. Which is also why openly sharing about our truths can be so healing. Being honest and breaking down our own walls is often the answer.
When patterns are laid out in front of us we can see a situation from all angles. What you will realize is you have given yourself permission to see your pain when others have denied your experiences. Now you have begun to give yourself what you needed.
When our needs are filled, we can stand back with emotional detachment and look at those who hurt us with compassionate eyes. Understanding they didn’t have what they needed and haven’t yet figured out how to give it to themselves.
How could they give us what we needed if they can’t give it to themselves?
Compassion for others does NOT equal excusal. In fact, it’s because of compassion that we can set better boundaries and understand where others are unhealed. We can see the harshness they are treating themselves with. We can see where they are not yet healed each time they hurt us or continue being unsafe. We will know exactly where we can stand with another and refrain from looking to that person for what we need. At least until they heal.. Remember, I said healing is NOT linear. Letting go is the only answer sometimes.
The people we love the most may never heal enough to become safe enough for us to get closer. We can stay no-contact. We can limit our communications with them. We can live and let live. Forgiveness do not mean we expose ourselves to what hurts us if we are unable to endure or accept the unhealed portions of others. Then we have to do the work to grieve. Which is a whole other story for another day… OOF!
If we are lucky our own love, compassion, boundaries and self-healing is enough to call in the healing of others. When we change, we can inspire change. Change is so freaking hard though!
Isn’t it?
Forgiveness is the choice to live vulnerably in order to continue to allow the joy, love, and success we desire to finally reach us. Because we can heal those areas of ourselves that have felt so unworthy of all the best things in life.
If you want the best, you have to give yourself the best. If you want safety you have to give yourself safety.
If you wont, nobody else will see a reason to give it to you and as long as we are outsourcing our needs to others who hurt us the cycle will never stop. At least until we get off the merry-go-round and learn to move through the world with love. For ourselves and then for others.
Free yourself from the resistance and control of fixing, ruminating, and just wishing things were different. It’s not going to happen that way anyway. You can’t control everything but you can control yourself.
Step into acceptance, love and compassion for what is in the here and now. Feel all you have to feel and watch the world around you change. Watch how you begin to accept less hurtful behavior or circumstances each step of the way.
Be brave enough to call out your own B.S. as well. You can make mistakes and change through understanding. We are funny creatures in that way. We like being angry at others for the same things we do. Then we lack the self awareness that we all do this very thing to one another.
It is truly a gift to be so flawed that we can allow all of who we are inside to be seen within that commonality. Whether we choose to see it or not. Others do.
Continue on your journey with awareness, respect, and conviction in your heart that all you have experienced does not have to be repeated in yourself or anyone else.
The beauty is within the wounds we carry. The wounds are what hold the medicine. I hope you will be brave to go within to find it.
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Acknowledge the decisions you made before you knew better.
Be honest. Be humble.
Amend if necessary regardless of whether or not you’ll be forgiven.
Release control and do the right thing for yourself anyway.
Forgive yourself.
Be honest about and forgive others.
Develop discernment.
Live vulnerably.
Rinse and repeat forever… and ever….
-Jess
Road To Harmony 