shattered mirrors pieced together

Road To Harmony

Tag: mental-health

  • Updated: About Me

    Updated: About Me

    I updated my about me page. I wanted to create a post about it as well to carry over to make it more visible.

    KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!

    My name is Jessica. I’m from NJ. I’m a spiritually connected trauma survivor with lots to share. My childhood was spent mostly surviving my parents drug addictions and then learning to build an adult life following their deaths in 2004, when I was 19/20. I am diagnosed with ADHD and Dyslexia. I firmly believe that the way my brain works is absolutely why I survived so many hard life events. So I have decided to just be open about my neurodivergent silliness and spiritual differences instead of hiding. All this “weird” got me through some seriously hard and terrifying shit. So I might as well wave my freak flag loud and proud. If that helps someone else along then way well, that’s even better!

    I have two beautiful daughters who definitely are my most treasured gifts. They have helped me heal in ways they may never comprehend and I am grateful for each of them. Both together and as separate people. My husband Justin and I have been together for 13 years and have worked hard to heal through his addiction, my subsequent betrayal trauma, my childhood trauma and the toll all of that has taken within our marriage. He has been in recovery for 6 years and I went through EMDR for the traumatic memories.

    In 2024 during my quest to learn astrology we discovered that we are Twin Flames. Definitely explained the boatload of trauma we have handled which was most definitely karmic lineage events that required careful consideration while healing. This realization led to us to mapping out events of quantum entanglement that happened between us long before we even met. Learning he and I are connected at a deeper level allowed me to further trust again and see the purpose in the pain of our connection. Applying proper healing practices, values, purpose and respect to our issues has led me to becoming a more well rounded woman with self worth with healed abandonment wounds. FYI: Boundaries work, guys! 😉

    Professionally, I am a former Account Executive & K-12 Specialist in the field of Educational Furniture Sales. In basic terms, I used to furnish schools that were being remodeled or newly constructed. I have had many jobs/career paths but this was my favorite.

    I am a bit introverted despite working in sales. Therefore, I have the typical introverted hobbies. Reading, writing, learning, thinking for fun, gardening, puzzles, cooking, drawing and making myself laugh at my own jokes when I am alone. This year I learned Oracle, Tarot, and Astrology to help myself and other’s heal. Come to find out, my whole family is spiritually gifted in one way or another. I am now studying Shamanism with my husband. My daughters can do Reiki, (not certified yet) Tarot, and read palms.

    The goal of my page is a place to write about the things I endured through trauma, and to share the lessons that life, Quantum Entanglement, Spirituality, and Motherhood has taught me. My hope is to bring the world closer together through shared human experience. I am open to publishing a book and/or publicly speaking about my story.

    Please feel free to reach out directly with any questions/comments/inquires. If you are, struggling and have no where else to turn. connection matters and is the opposite of addiction. So please reach out directly to me as well if you have no one else to talk to.

    All drawings/writings posted are originals by me and all intellectual property is Copyright RoadToHarmony by Jessica Donovan-Hendrix 2025

  • Remembering the Power of Heart and Soul in Healing

    Remembering the Power of Heart and Soul in Healing

    Since a very young age I’ve had an innate ability to just lead with blind faith. I just didn’t use my voice the way I needed to.

    I can recall many times throughout my life that it was just me and god having a conversation and making decisions together for my best interests.

    From trauma situations down to which way I should be going when I’m lost on the road. Time after time my divine connection has led me to exactly where I need to be. Tapping into my soul meant and still means that no possibility is off limits.

    However, intimate partner betrayal rocked me to my core. It nearly took away my intuition and ability to tap into that part of myself. More so than that, narcissistic abuse tore down my intuition. I became susceptible to this behavior when my 1st marriage ended and the insecurities of no longer having my family of origin to fall back on. After about 2 years, Justin and I started dating and got serious pretty quickly. We eventually got married and had a baby 2 years into our relationship. I started twisting myself into a pretzel with his parents so our kids could have the grandparents I couldn’t give them. Out went my intuition and connection with my higher power only to be replaced with idealization of my husband and in-laws fueled by my efforts in getting Justin’s parents to love and accept me. Instead of loving and accepting myself I looked to them to replace my own parents. This continued the enmeshed family dynamics Justin endured and brought it right over into our marriage and family. Justin slowly became more and more distant over the years as I simultaneously lost my truest identity.

    While I am not taking away Justin’s accountability because he definitely made his own decisions and has amends to make everyday along with recovery work. When a person is raised as an extension of another though, it’s incredibly hard to see your own inner goodness and compass. And since I so easily threw myself away, I obviously had my own wounds to heal. So before I tossed out the marriage entirely, I embarked on my own journey of healing my own trauma while establishing boundaries with Justin and his parents.

    It’s been 6 years since I discovered Justin’s addiction and 3-1/2 years since I’ve seen or spoke to my in- laws. Not only did I need to learn boundaries, I needed to learn how to voice them AND uphold them. I also needed to learn more compassion and empathy as well. Compassion for myself and empathy for men.

    As a result of my healing work, my intuition has returned, I have boundaries and I’m a much better mother. In the process, Justin was able to start building his healthy identity. Along the way learning his own self love, self compassion, self respect and empathy for others. Yes, Justin betrayed me, but others betrayed him and my heart and soul knew his heart and soul. I could see the ways he was behaving went against his inner goodness and the person he believed himself to be. He was unable to see it though. It wasn’t my job to save him but it became my job to save myself and recapture my own identity at all costs. I believe he was able to do the same because his choices were to grow to match my growth or be a divorced man. I hadn’t lost total sight of myself and I refused to lose myself ever again.

    Through the waves of betrayal trauma recovery, rebuilding our relationship and family I definitely questioned Justin’s ability to come through as a better man. The reality is, I also constantly questioned my ability to recover from such a deep wound while also carrying the trauma of my parents drug addictions and deaths. I never lost the deepest soul connection that was like a little voice within me. That voice constantly reminded of the day my dad passed away (7 weeks after my mom). I stood in the kitchen after the coroner wheeled his body out, I looked at the ceiling and told god I thought he was just awful! BUT I know my heart is still beating for a reason so you must have a plan for me. Either that or you are cruel because this is the most gut-wrenching pain I have ever experienced!

    (God and I have since made up.) I now see that him taking my parents from me was a blessing and a plan for my highest good. I would have been enthralled in their addictions for the rest of my life if they didn’t pass away. And they would have continued to be tortured by addiction.)

    That memory got me up everyday while recovering from being betrayed. That voice got me jobs, got me promoted and had me stand firm when I needed to stand up for myself with people who I believed had my best interest at heart for decades prior to processing my trauma.

    Processing trauma. TRULY processing trauma changes a person. It changed me and I definitely heard about it from “friends”. And perhaps I wasn’t able to see my impacts on them at the time but also when I started hearing that I was “playing a victim and that I became exhausting once I started EMDR therapy.” That’s when I started telling people off. Maybe that wasn’t the best way to handle it but I was truly sick and tired of making nice with people I called friends/family who did not and will never know what it means to stand in my shoes. ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH! I wasn’t going to make excuses anymore and continue twisting myself into that pretzel for others when doing so had already cost me so much.

    The point of me writing this is because we are all faced with hard situations and life altering events. Situations that take away our compass, make us question who we are, push us past our limits or play on our deepest insecurities. We get hurt and hurt others as well. I want you to know that regardless of your beliefs and despite the patriarchal programming, you have an inner voice and an inner knowing of who you are. It is inside of you waiting to be uncovered, rediscovered, or strengthened. You don’t need to be spiritual or believe in god to know that you hold your own inner power and purpose.

    Each of us are made of love and truth. We are each other’s mirrors in this life and the key to uncovering truth and love in others is to see it in ourselves. All the rest will begin to fall away when you do.

    The heart and soul expands when you follow it and it can never been totally silenced. The mind is limited and our brains only help keep us safe. And it sometimes doesn’t even gauge that correctly depending on the traumatic experiences it has stored.

    In uncertain times, in times of great joy and in times of unbelievable despair. I truly hope you’ll open up your heart and remember yourself each and every day.

    There is so much good in each of our hearts. Let’s all re-discover it and the boundless options available to us in life. We can all heal and thrive despite the pain we experience personally and collectively.

    I promise!! …..and I never make promises I can’t keep.

    Much love- Jess.

  • Forgiveness

    Forgiveness

    To take a different tone other than the darkness of trauma writings…Today’s theme is forgiveness. This is the other side of having No Mercy which is what my last post was titled. While it may seem like writing about my traumas means I do not have forgiveness the opposite is true. My own self love and compassion is exactly what allows me to share openly and see all of the sides of the those that have hurt me. I know I have hurt others as well. Some hurts I caused were needless. Some were felt because the person on the other end wasn’t healed enough to understand me. Both are true and acceptable.

    How do we forgive the people that have hurt us? How do we forgive ourselves?

    It’s hard because sometimes we don’t even know where to start because we actually can’t feel what hurts and therefore pinpoint the issues within us.

    We must work hard “see” ourselves. Sometimes we have to see ourselves through others. Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to be seen. Which is also why openly sharing about our truths can be so healing. Being honest and breaking down our own walls is often the answer.

    When patterns are laid out in front of us we can see a situation from all angles. What you will realize is you have given yourself permission to see your pain when others have denied your experiences. Now you have begun to give yourself what you needed.

    When our needs are filled, we can stand back with emotional detachment and look at those who hurt us with compassionate eyes. Understanding they didn’t have what they needed and haven’t yet figured out how to give it to themselves.

    How could they give us what we needed if they can’t give it to themselves?

    Compassion for others does NOT equal excusal. In fact, it’s because of compassion that we can set better boundaries and understand where others are unhealed. We can see the harshness they are treating themselves with. We can see where they are not yet healed each time they hurt us or continue being unsafe. We will know exactly where we can stand with another and refrain from looking to that person for what we need. At least until they heal.. Remember, I said healing is NOT linear. Letting go is the only answer sometimes.

    The people we love the most may never heal enough to become safe enough for us to get closer. We can stay no-contact. We can limit our communications with them. We can live and let live. Forgiveness do not mean we expose ourselves to what hurts us if we are unable to endure or accept the unhealed portions of others. Then we have to do the work to grieve. Which is a whole other story for another day… OOF!

    If we are lucky our own love, compassion, boundaries and self-healing is enough to call in the healing of others. When we change, we can inspire change. Change is so freaking hard though!

    Isn’t it?

    Forgiveness is the choice to live vulnerably in order to continue to allow the joy, love, and success we desire to finally reach us. Because we can heal those areas of ourselves that have felt so unworthy of all the best things in life.

    If you want the best, you have to give yourself the best. If you want safety you have to give yourself safety.

    If you wont, nobody else will see a reason to give it to you and as long as we are outsourcing our needs to others who hurt us the cycle will never stop. At least until we get off the merry-go-round and learn to move through the world with love. For ourselves and then for others.

    Free yourself from the resistance and control of fixing, ruminating, and just wishing things were different. It’s not going to happen that way anyway. You can’t control everything but you can control yourself.

    Step into acceptance, love and compassion for what is in the here and now. Feel all you have to feel and watch the world around you change. Watch how you begin to accept less hurtful behavior or circumstances each step of the way.

    Be brave enough to call out your own B.S. as well. You can make mistakes and change through understanding. We are funny creatures in that way. We like being angry at others for the same things we do. Then we lack the self awareness that we all do this very thing to one another.

    It is truly a gift to be so flawed that we can allow all of who we are inside to be seen within that commonality. Whether we choose to see it or not. Others do.

    Continue on your journey with awareness, respect, and conviction in your heart that all you have experienced does not have to be repeated in yourself or anyone else.

    The beauty is within the wounds we carry. The wounds are what hold the medicine. I hope you will be brave to go within to find it.

    ——————-

    Acknowledge the decisions you made before you knew better.

    Be honest. Be humble.

    Amend if necessary regardless of whether or not you’ll be forgiven.

    Release control and do the right thing for yourself anyway.

    Forgive yourself.

    Be honest about and forgive others.

    Develop discernment.

    Live vulnerably.

    Rinse and repeat forever… and ever….

    -Jess

  • No Mercy

    No Mercy

    TRIGGER WARNING- CHILD ABUSE & TALK OF ADDICTION

    This is one of the trauma patterns that set the tone for the rest of my life and has replayed itself over and over again in adolescence and adulthood.

    Once upon a time I was 7, a young girl. Just like the two beautiful girls in the attached image.

    Undiagnosed ADHD but already diagnosed as dyslexic. Did you know that about me? 🙂

    I “lied” to my mother about something or another. She viewed it as a purposeful act and told my father.

    I had apparently done this more than once as a young child. And judging from my experience of motherhood it’s the same thing all young children do. Or they weren’t understanding me due to my neurological differences.

    In any case, my father decided he had enough of me purposely lying to my mother. So that hot summer day I was berated and screamed at by the most important man in my life. Mostly because I wasn’t understood and couldn’t explain myself properly due to above brain differences. Which by the way could have been contributed to by the drugs my mother admittedly did for the first 3 months of her pregnancy before she knew she was pregnant.

    I digress.

    So anyway, there I am in the kitchen of our apartment with a 6’4, 300lb man screaming at me, shaming me for lying again and telling me he’s going to “fix my ass.”

    Well there I stood as he made a cardboard sandwich board sign for me to wear. The sign read, “I lie to my mother. I am a liar, do not trust me.”

    My father then brought me downstairs, loaded me into the back of his pick-up truck and drove me around town and to our local K-Mart. He marched me into the store, pointed his finger in my face and told me I will walk around that store repeating out loud to the strangers what that sign said. Frozen in fear I just stared at him and said, OK.

    I walked with him around that store repeating, I am a liar, do not trust me. I don’t remember much beyond seeing the first stranger and walking the front of the store because I definitely disassociated from myself and what was going on. Nor do I remember the ride back home.

    However, once home I surely remember being made to walk around in a circle in the middle of my living room, repeating the sign out loud while he and my mother watched. It was made to be some kind of amends to my mother from him. Like he was some prideful cat that brought its owner a dead mouse. Looking back, it was so gross and she just sat there and watched but I can remember her face and the pity she had for me. Her face looked like she was saying, “I’m sorry for telling him.” But she didn’t do anything but watch. Which certainly sent me a huge message. I’ll save that for another day because she isn’t off the hook either. Remember how she was doing drugs with me and *could* have contributed to this problem? We will never know for sure one way or the other and pinning it entirely on her may not be fair but it certainly wasn’t my fault and it was her job to protect me as well.

    However, he had so much ego (my father) for nothing and he could be scary. I mean what a joke to have so much ego for a 7 year old child. He looks like a real dipshit when I reflect back on it. If you take into account the amount of time that passed from the original event. For him to remain that angry for that long, he was certainly disordered in some way. I will gladly share more memories to drive this point home if this recalling hasn’t convinced you.

    The most ironic part of all of this? At this stage of my life my parents were lying to me by hiding their drug addictions.

    My mother had been arrested for felonies related to writing bad checks and she proceeded to spend the rest of my childhood lying to me to coax money out of me once I started working. Which was at 14 by the way.

    Those that have told me that my parents did the best they could, they have no idea the things I truly endured. And most didn’t know about the drug addiction until after both of my parents died and I started drip-feeding that info out.

    I have to disagree. My parents did NOT do the best they could.

    The hellish chapter of my life called childhood that my developing brain was formed in- damaged me, my kids, made relationships hard, kept me from career success, left me feeling misunderstood and isolated in so many ways.

    Yes, there were several good memories sprinkled in but there were not enough to counterbalance the damage done to me. If you didn’t know what was truly going on you would have only seen the good stuff. I do understand the view of others looking in but perspective is everything.

    My perspective is, I was shown no mercy in the first 20 years of my life and it has taken me another 20+ years and thousands spent on trauma therapy in order to become a successful adult that is (mostly) free from the shame of my story. Free enough to openly share it.

    I will continue to share my story because I deserve to be heard and so does anyone else who is walking around with their own secret stories that weigh them down in shame.

    When I look back on that day, I fully realize now that “lie” had something to do with my dyslexia and communication differences. Something I still heavily struggle with today. My dyslexia affects how I communicate, write, read, and is also the reason for my brilliant problem solving skills and ability to see patterns many others can’t see. I have many adaptations to counterbalance the challenges but even just writing this blog took me forever. ( and I’m sure I still have grammar mistakes)

    To wrap this up, my father who was once a boy who was abused and abandoned, was so wrapped up in making his wife happy by “defending” her from the 7 year old that “lied” to her.

    Yet, he couldn’t see the child (his own child) that simply needed help communicating.

    Look, I’m a badass survivor because I wasn’t shown mercy. Not because I wanted to be.

    Let’s try to stop romanticizing the strength of those with childhood trauma and perhaps show the mercy they weren’t given as children by hearing and believing their stories. Because some of the shit is truly unbelievable to have LIVED firsthand.

    Until next time, friends… Remember the saying that goes, “hurt people, hurt people”. See where you hurt first before you hurt others..

    We can all do better. Understanding is free and we all deserve love.

    <3-Jess