shattered mirrors pieced together

Road To Harmony

Tag: god

  • Remembering the Power of Heart and Soul in Healing

    Remembering the Power of Heart and Soul in Healing

    Since a very young age I’ve had an innate ability to just lead with blind faith. I just didn’t use my voice the way I needed to.

    I can recall many times throughout my life that it was just me and god having a conversation and making decisions together for my best interests.

    From trauma situations down to which way I should be going when I’m lost on the road. Time after time my divine connection has led me to exactly where I need to be. Tapping into my soul meant and still means that no possibility is off limits.

    However, intimate partner betrayal rocked me to my core. It nearly took away my intuition and ability to tap into that part of myself. More so than that, narcissistic abuse tore down my intuition. I became susceptible to this behavior when my 1st marriage ended and the insecurities of no longer having my family of origin to fall back on. After about 2 years, Justin and I started dating and got serious pretty quickly. We eventually got married and had a baby 2 years into our relationship. I started twisting myself into a pretzel with his parents so our kids could have the grandparents I couldn’t give them. Out went my intuition and connection with my higher power only to be replaced with idealization of my husband and in-laws fueled by my efforts in getting Justin’s parents to love and accept me. Instead of loving and accepting myself I looked to them to replace my own parents. This continued the enmeshed family dynamics Justin endured and brought it right over into our marriage and family. Justin slowly became more and more distant over the years as I simultaneously lost my truest identity.

    While I am not taking away Justin’s accountability because he definitely made his own decisions and has amends to make everyday along with recovery work. When a person is raised as an extension of another though, it’s incredibly hard to see your own inner goodness and compass. And since I so easily threw myself away, I obviously had my own wounds to heal. So before I tossed out the marriage entirely, I embarked on my own journey of healing my own trauma while establishing boundaries with Justin and his parents.

    It’s been 6 years since I discovered Justin’s addiction and 3-1/2 years since I’ve seen or spoke to my in- laws. Not only did I need to learn boundaries, I needed to learn how to voice them AND uphold them. I also needed to learn more compassion and empathy as well. Compassion for myself and empathy for men.

    As a result of my healing work, my intuition has returned, I have boundaries and I’m a much better mother. In the process, Justin was able to start building his healthy identity. Along the way learning his own self love, self compassion, self respect and empathy for others. Yes, Justin betrayed me, but others betrayed him and my heart and soul knew his heart and soul. I could see the ways he was behaving went against his inner goodness and the person he believed himself to be. He was unable to see it though. It wasn’t my job to save him but it became my job to save myself and recapture my own identity at all costs. I believe he was able to do the same because his choices were to grow to match my growth or be a divorced man. I hadn’t lost total sight of myself and I refused to lose myself ever again.

    Through the waves of betrayal trauma recovery, rebuilding our relationship and family I definitely questioned Justin’s ability to come through as a better man. The reality is, I also constantly questioned my ability to recover from such a deep wound while also carrying the trauma of my parents drug addictions and deaths. I never lost the deepest soul connection that was like a little voice within me. That voice constantly reminded of the day my dad passed away (7 weeks after my mom). I stood in the kitchen after the coroner wheeled his body out, I looked at the ceiling and told god I thought he was just awful! BUT I know my heart is still beating for a reason so you must have a plan for me. Either that or you are cruel because this is the most gut-wrenching pain I have ever experienced!

    (God and I have since made up.) I now see that him taking my parents from me was a blessing and a plan for my highest good. I would have been enthralled in their addictions for the rest of my life if they didn’t pass away. And they would have continued to be tortured by addiction.)

    That memory got me up everyday while recovering from being betrayed. That voice got me jobs, got me promoted and had me stand firm when I needed to stand up for myself with people who I believed had my best interest at heart for decades prior to processing my trauma.

    Processing trauma. TRULY processing trauma changes a person. It changed me and I definitely heard about it from “friends”. And perhaps I wasn’t able to see my impacts on them at the time but also when I started hearing that I was “playing a victim and that I became exhausting once I started EMDR therapy.” That’s when I started telling people off. Maybe that wasn’t the best way to handle it but I was truly sick and tired of making nice with people I called friends/family who did not and will never know what it means to stand in my shoes. ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH! I wasn’t going to make excuses anymore and continue twisting myself into that pretzel for others when doing so had already cost me so much.

    The point of me writing this is because we are all faced with hard situations and life altering events. Situations that take away our compass, make us question who we are, push us past our limits or play on our deepest insecurities. We get hurt and hurt others as well. I want you to know that regardless of your beliefs and despite the patriarchal programming, you have an inner voice and an inner knowing of who you are. It is inside of you waiting to be uncovered, rediscovered, or strengthened. You don’t need to be spiritual or believe in god to know that you hold your own inner power and purpose.

    Each of us are made of love and truth. We are each other’s mirrors in this life and the key to uncovering truth and love in others is to see it in ourselves. All the rest will begin to fall away when you do.

    The heart and soul expands when you follow it and it can never been totally silenced. The mind is limited and our brains only help keep us safe. And it sometimes doesn’t even gauge that correctly depending on the traumatic experiences it has stored.

    In uncertain times, in times of great joy and in times of unbelievable despair. I truly hope you’ll open up your heart and remember yourself each and every day.

    There is so much good in each of our hearts. Let’s all re-discover it and the boundless options available to us in life. We can all heal and thrive despite the pain we experience personally and collectively.

    I promise!! …..and I never make promises I can’t keep.

    Much love- Jess.

  • Finding Strength: The Power of Letting Go and Trusting.

    Finding Strength: The Power of Letting Go and Trusting.

    Ever done parkour on a mountainside? Gone indoor rock climbing, skydiving, or bungee jumping? Yeah, me neither. That crap is scary as hell! No thanks. I sure as hell don’t want anyone pushing me off a wall or out of a plane if I can’t let go or jump myself. If you have done any of the above stop reading. You already know the comparisons I’m about to make…. Also god bless you, you are a braver soul than I.

    Quick pivot- The universe has this way of holding things away from us the more we try to hold on and control things in our lives. It peels our fingers off the ledge of life, one by one until we are forced to drop against our will.

    I call it God having jokes. lol

    **A little word about my use of the word God- I use that name for clear reference to a higher power. I don’t care if you believe in a most powerful donut in the sky. I’m just referencing a power that is larger than you or I. Even if you’re spiritual or believe the coffeemaker will guide you to being your best self. Pick your entity. No judgments here.**

    One of the lessons I gained from early loss in my life was learning how to just be and to just be OK in the midst of chaotic nothingness. Trust myself and trust that my higher power had a plan. Quite frankly there is little else to do when you’re an only child with dead parents, no job, no money, and you’re not beneficiary on anyone’s life insurance. Sitting at rock bottom of the addictions two other people had put me in a 12 step program pretty early in life. —God still has jokes for me sometimes now but since I have stood strong like a brick shithouse to life’s best shots- when life tries to creep around a corner to scare me, it doesn’t have the same effect. I might piss my pants from the initial shock but I don’t jump anymore. LOL

    In any case, I am so grateful to have learned so young that I can’t control shit and the more I try the harder it gets. Hasn’t stopped me from trying over and over again, either. I said I have said that I know the lesson, not that I don’t ever forget it. Sheesh…. 😀

    Here’s a simple scenario:

    Let’s say you can’t drive your car because there’s no cash, gas, or car insurance and you need to go out. Theres nobody to call for a ride. No money for a bus (do people even locally take busses anymore? lol) or an Uber, Most people might not go wherever they need to go. But what if you need to go to the psychiatrist? You will find another way to get there because coming off your antidepressants could be catastrophic and lead to much worse problems. Scary ones at that. So you will have to walk and get there hella early because the walk is so far and you’d rather be early than miss your appointment. But it’s August and it’s SO hot! Bleh! And you have no water or food in the house. F-me! Guess you’re eating the last scoop of peanut butter and drinking that nasty tap water before you head out.

    Or you can sit and cry about the car being out of use and all the reasons why it is that way. Then cry about each of those little issues that caused it. But you can’t stay stuck in this! I mean you CAN but please just don’t…

    By the way I do encourage you to momentarily cry and be angry because that scenario sucks and since you’re NOT in the business of being a victim there’s no need to carry those emotions with you when you rise up like the badass you are to solve your problem.

    Cry about it, accept it, and start using those two legs god gave you, learn to like dry ass peanut butter and compartmentalize the fact you are drinking crap from a faucet. (If you like faucet water, this doesn’t apply to you)

    You get to choose! And that’s the thing, I think people have forgotten that they have choices when all else fails. Discounting their own abilities and resources. Even if the options are overly simple, taboo, or if other people will judge.

    There are many more applications of what I’m trying to express but I wrote this example because sometimes the answer really is super simple but we forget that’s still an option. Another example is when I pulled my kids out of public school during the second half of 2020 because remote learning wasn’t working for them. The school admins were a tad judgey when we informed them of this decision and so were a few people who were close to us. In any case, we (husband and I) homeschooled the girls and let them do whatever the hell they wanted in between teaching them home structure and showing them they aren’t bound by the world’s rules. That they always have options despite what everyone else says. Especially when the world doesn’t know what the hell it’s doing anyway-Trust god, your donut in the sky or coffee pot and listen to your own intuition,

    We are in a time now where many are struggling to find their own power in life. It’s ok to complain and vent, ( I am a complainer and a venter, too) Just know that if you haven’t been faced with anything so hard as you may be facing now, or you’re scared of our world, it’s ok, you will absolutely make it, though. Rarely, there is a situation that can’t be overcome and turned into some positive lesson later on.

    I believe that’s detachment and transmutation. Trust the process and what you don’t see, AKA have faith in something greater than you that life will work out as long as you are doing everything in your power to make it better.

    Be intentional with how you use your own power when you are co-creating and co-solving problems. Become more aware of your strengths and also your own resistance to change. Look out for whether or not you utilize toxic positivity but live a compartmentalized life of codependency. No shame- we are all there at points and sometimes can’t even tell when we are. Take responsibility for all of it. Understanding ourselves better than the next person is key when it feels like the universe has taken away everything you thought you needed external of you in order to be OK.

    Better yet, when social media and our leaders have made us think that you NEED everything external of you in order to feel powerful and have control over your life.

    You don’t have to buy the BULLS**T anymore.

    I 100% promise you, you don’t need to. You don’t need as much as you have been led to believe in order to be alright.

    Shut off the TV. Get off FB, X, Twitter, TikTok and go for a walk. Find a bird to look at, a deer to peep in the woods, hug a tree. And if you’re unhappy with your partner and have no money. Take a walk and don’t stop. Get to your social services appointment early. Hate your job because it’s draining, quit it and make it happen some other way.

    Step into your vulnerability if you dare…before life or god makes you. Jump in the pool before mom or dad throws you in. Do something- because all god has is jokes if you keep trying to do things the way you always have.

    Use your biggest unseen asset- the ability to let go and trust yourself. You will figure it out come hell or high water. Both of which are pretty close these days…

    Until next time, friends. I trust you’ve got this!