Since a very young age I’ve had an innate ability to just lead with blind faith. I just didn’t use my voice the way I needed to.
I can recall many times throughout my life that it was just me and god having a conversation and making decisions together for my best interests.
From trauma situations down to which way I should be going when I’m lost on the road. Time after time my divine connection has led me to exactly where I need to be. Tapping into my soul meant and still means that no possibility is off limits.
However, intimate partner betrayal rocked me to my core. It nearly took away my intuition and ability to tap into that part of myself. More so than that, narcissistic abuse tore down my intuition. I became susceptible to this behavior when my 1st marriage ended and the insecurities of no longer having my family of origin to fall back on. After about 2 years, Justin and I started dating and got serious pretty quickly. We eventually got married and had a baby 2 years into our relationship. I started twisting myself into a pretzel with his parents so our kids could have the grandparents I couldn’t give them. Out went my intuition and connection with my higher power only to be replaced with idealization of my husband and in-laws fueled by my efforts in getting Justin’s parents to love and accept me. Instead of loving and accepting myself I looked to them to replace my own parents. This continued the enmeshed family dynamics Justin endured and brought it right over into our marriage and family. Justin slowly became more and more distant over the years as I simultaneously lost my truest identity.
While I am not taking away Justin’s accountability because he definitely made his own decisions and has amends to make everyday along with recovery work. When a person is raised as an extension of another though, it’s incredibly hard to see your own inner goodness and compass. And since I so easily threw myself away, I obviously had my own wounds to heal. So before I tossed out the marriage entirely, I embarked on my own journey of healing my own trauma while establishing boundaries with Justin and his parents.
It’s been 6 years since I discovered Justin’s addiction and 3-1/2 years since I’ve seen or spoke to my in- laws. Not only did I need to learn boundaries, I needed to learn how to voice them AND uphold them. I also needed to learn more compassion and empathy as well. Compassion for myself and empathy for men.
As a result of my healing work, my intuition has returned, I have boundaries and I’m a much better mother. In the process, Justin was able to start building his healthy identity. Along the way learning his own self love, self compassion, self respect and empathy for others. Yes, Justin betrayed me, but others betrayed him and my heart and soul knew his heart and soul. I could see the ways he was behaving went against his inner goodness and the person he believed himself to be. He was unable to see it though. It wasn’t my job to save him but it became my job to save myself and recapture my own identity at all costs. I believe he was able to do the same because his choices were to grow to match my growth or be a divorced man. I hadn’t lost total sight of myself and I refused to lose myself ever again.
Through the waves of betrayal trauma recovery, rebuilding our relationship and family I definitely questioned Justin’s ability to come through as a better man. The reality is, I also constantly questioned my ability to recover from such a deep wound while also carrying the trauma of my parents drug addictions and deaths. I never lost the deepest soul connection that was like a little voice within me. That voice constantly reminded of the day my dad passed away (7 weeks after my mom). I stood in the kitchen after the coroner wheeled his body out, I looked at the ceiling and told god I thought he was just awful! BUT I know my heart is still beating for a reason so you must have a plan for me. Either that or you are cruel because this is the most gut-wrenching pain I have ever experienced!
(God and I have since made up.) I now see that him taking my parents from me was a blessing and a plan for my highest good. I would have been enthralled in their addictions for the rest of my life if they didn’t pass away. And they would have continued to be tortured by addiction.)
That memory got me up everyday while recovering from being betrayed. That voice got me jobs, got me promoted and had me stand firm when I needed to stand up for myself with people who I believed had my best interest at heart for decades prior to processing my trauma.
Processing trauma. TRULY processing trauma changes a person. It changed me and I definitely heard about it from “friends”. And perhaps I wasn’t able to see my impacts on them at the time but also when I started hearing that I was “playing a victim and that I became exhausting once I started EMDR therapy.” That’s when I started telling people off. Maybe that wasn’t the best way to handle it but I was truly sick and tired of making nice with people I called friends/family who did not and will never know what it means to stand in my shoes. ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH! I wasn’t going to make excuses anymore and continue twisting myself into that pretzel for others when doing so had already cost me so much.
The point of me writing this is because we are all faced with hard situations and life altering events. Situations that take away our compass, make us question who we are, push us past our limits or play on our deepest insecurities. We get hurt and hurt others as well. I want you to know that regardless of your beliefs and despite the patriarchal programming, you have an inner voice and an inner knowing of who you are. It is inside of you waiting to be uncovered, rediscovered, or strengthened. You don’t need to be spiritual or believe in god to know that you hold your own inner power and purpose.
Each of us are made of love and truth. We are each other’s mirrors in this life and the key to uncovering truth and love in others is to see it in ourselves. All the rest will begin to fall away when you do.
The heart and soul expands when you follow it and it can never been totally silenced. The mind is limited and our brains only help keep us safe. And it sometimes doesn’t even gauge that correctly depending on the traumatic experiences it has stored.
In uncertain times, in times of great joy and in times of unbelievable despair. I truly hope you’ll open up your heart and remember yourself each and every day.
There is so much good in each of our hearts. Let’s all re-discover it and the boundless options available to us in life. We can all heal and thrive despite the pain we experience personally and collectively.
I promise!! …..and I never make promises I can’t keep.
Much love- Jess.
Road To Harmony 
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