I’m tired. I have a constant self-imposed pressure to do better, try harder and be everything to everyone. To help anyone in need. Impossible I know. I don’t work an outside job but I want to. I’m a full time mother that gave up her more than decent career, so I don’t want to go back and work for 13.00 an hr or less. My kids need me at the drop of a hat. For instance, Juli needs an MRI on her ankle and is currently out of school until further notice. My husband works long hours. Without me covering everything at home he wouldn’t be able to work those hours. But I have this internal voice that says potty trainer, personal chef, taxi driver, boo boo kisser, appointment maker, finance director, school lunch maker/orderer, butt wiper, emotional supporter, advice giver, hugger, medicine giver, and the one who helps maintain and foster relationships for everyone in our family JUST ISN’T ENOUGH. (And the list goes on)
How!?! How the hell could that be!? I don’t sleep because I carry around every worry of our family and get up and act on them everyday. No idea how to give myself a break but hell, my head feels like it’s going to explode some days.
The constant ramblings of my adorable 3 year old adds to the feelings of possible head explosion. However, she’s 3 and it’s wonderful she’s learning and talking about the world around her.
Just always a constant back and forth fight in my head. Good enough, not good enough. Doing enough, not doing enough. Which judgements will I endure and from where? I’m just quite sick of it.
Completely off subject, I am so sick and tired of disingenuous people lurking around my life or Facebook page for that matter, just because we know each other. But don’t actually give a crap about each other. When did deleting people from Facebook whom you rather not be apart of the intricacies of your life become such a damning crime. I mean, oh my hell!
I’ve learned to unfollow people to keep the peace but on top of life’s everyday struggles now we must worry about constant hurt feelings. Even when we grow apart from people. Unbelievable the amount of shit we have to deal with in a society that has been designed to be “easier” and “more convenient”.
My everyday struggles and pressure from my inner voice are quite enough.
My innermost dream is to move to St. Thomas USVI. Live in a house near the beach and write. Write books of all kinds, self help, my autobiography and children’s books. I want to go bake myself in the sun, look at the water and sky and be reminded everyday that I’m such a small piece of the universe pie where my deepest insecurities and who I’m Facebook friends with doesn’t matter. Most days I feel the need for a deeper level of living that I’m truly terrified I may never reach.
At least I’m aware of it all though, right..?!
Tough day, can’t you tell..? Ha!