So in working on myself over the past few years, I have written about my parents mostly. I have contributed to addiction and recovery websites. Something I am very proud to have done. Not only did I find a way to help others but I was able to have my own little therapy sessions. There is still more to come on them, I’m sure. Through that writing I have been able to learn more about my own ways of functioning in the world. The good, the bad, the ugly and the really ugly. It has all been a really wonderful path of self-discovery. This post is slightly different. I’m not expressing any pain. I’m telling my little world about my husband and the dynamic I have come to understand about us and me within this marriage.
In light of my third wedding anniversary approaching this upcoming Wednesday I feel that this is the perfect time to get out some newly realized feelings I have toward my husband. I say realized because the feelings were always there but I was never paying attention to them. On purpose, I believe.
My father used to say to me, make sure you never NEED anyone. Always make sure that you just want them there to enhance your life. I have hung on those words my entire adult life. I have measured my relationships and friendships on levels of need. The people who I’ve chosen to be apart of my life are there because I want them there! Everyone I love enhances my life without me living and dying on their presence in my life. Let me just say, I realize that may sound really cold and callous but I assure you it isn’t. It means I love those I have in my life so much that I choose to continue relationships and friendships because they are all amazing people who have each brought something different to my life. Without making me feel incomplete without them. Just as I hope I have done the same for them. The other, perhaps less healthy side of that is, it’s easier for me to disconnect out of self-preservation. Then there’s Justin. Ha!
Anyone that has ever met my husband knows that on the surface he is my polar opposite. Quiet, has no need to be the center of attention, dare I say shy and maybe overly calm. If overly calm is such a thing..? Many people mistake his calm-quietness for being standoffish. Something I believe he is working on since at 6’4 he does have such a large presence when he walks into a room. Something I love about him.
I need this man. Typing those words makes me feel so vulnerable. I surely never needed my ex-husband in the same way. Justin though, he is my other half. He is my calm. He is my understanding. He is my other perspective. He is my best friend. I mean really. I know this all sounds super cliché and just vomit inducing but seriously, when he isn’t around my world feels so chaotic. It took him leaving for work for three days for me to truly understand and accept this. I always knew it but never admitted it because I’ve been busy hanging onto my father’s words. Trying to make him proud in some screwy way and constantly trying to preserve myself. It’s just not the truth though.
There have been times throughout our 5 year relationship that I have tried pushing him away. Testing his loyalty to me. How terribly unfair I have been to him during those times. He has withstood those storms like an oak tree. Look I’m not saying he hasn’t tested me and that I haven’t put up with shit from him but I am saying that if I didn’t trust him, love him and need him the way I do, there is no way in hell I would still be in this marriage. It’s not like me to put up with too much shit before I bail. Why?? See above. Always made sure I never needed anyone. Well didn’t I just screw up? Or did I?
I did NOT screw up! For the first time in my entire life I allowed myself to be vulnerable enough that I truly let another human being all the way in. I have found meaning in a relationship that stretches beyond just a surface. While he doesn’t express it, he knows the ins and out of me and how I operate. When I talk to him about the things that roll through my head, he understands. All without adding extra stress and strain. Yes there are OUTSIDE factors and people thatadd stress and strain to our marriage but it’s not him. There is no other way to put it other than he just “gets it”. Like nobody else does.
So to my dad I’ll say, well I need someone. If that’s a failure in your eyes as you look down on me well then fuck it. I survived A LOT of crap up until this point in my life and if the worst I have allowed is total trust and comfort with someone, then hey, I’m not really doing all that bad.
To Justin, I will say, thank you for showing up in this marriage every single day. Thank you for listening and trying. Thank you for being Julianne’s father. Thank you for the child we share together. Thank you for having all of our best interests at heart always. Thank you for busting your ass day in and day out at work to provide for us. Thank you for being the calm to my storm while allowing me to be a storm if that’s the mindset I’m in. You are a more remarkable man than many people realize or give you credit for. Some of the closest people to you don’t even recognize it, understand it or respect it. I do. I always have. I just haven’t always shown you properly and for that I am sorry.
Nobody is perfect. No marriage is perfect. However, since day one we have fought some really tough struggles together. Career changes, moves, never being without a child in our relationship, the ass end of a nasty divorce I was apart of when we started dating. Even on our wedding day we barely knew if the baby girl I was standing there 5 months pregnant with was healthy or not. We trudged on without many people even knowing what was going on. (Yes, Angelique was right there with us)
We don’t have much time or extra money this anniversary but who cares? Happy Anniversary! ❤ I love you more than anyone else and I do need you in my life. You make me a better version of myself. I can only hope I do the same for you. You are the Yang to my Yin.
Anyone ever notice my yin yang tattoo… ? Get it now? ;0)